Work and Necco Wafers

My boss is an illiterate sociopath with a bad collection of candy. I know this is the internet but I still don't have the balls to write out her name or my place of employment. My biggest fear is to turn into an underaged big-breasted, sexually appealing British girl wink

"Stop being a pussy and just write out where you work"



Even I'd hit that 16 year old you linked up there Future Diabetic."


Because I am a coward and bored, I will do the next best thing... Start a re-occuring section in which I rate each piece of candy in the Big Boss Woman's collection.


1. Necco Wafers


The first entry in my workplace rant goes to Necco Wafers. Congratulations. My boss probably can relate to Necco because they both were created several centuries ago. Necco is proudly the oldest candy in the fucking world, and was enjoyed by many figures throughout history including our founding fathers, John Wilkes Booth, Anne Frank and Joseph Stalin.

*Re-reading that previous sentence it sounds as if I'm saying John Wilkes Booth, Anne Frank and Joseph Stalin are our founding fathers. If you had the same thought while reading this then you are correct. Eat a dick Franklin.

Before I go into my enlightening thoughts on the Wafer's, I will give some actual history and answers about the company. My main source being: http://www.necco.com/

Question: What the fuck does NECCO stand for?
Answer: New England Confectionery Company

Question: How long has it really been around?
Answer: 18fucking47

Question: What are some of Necco's products?
Answer: NECCO® Wafers, Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts, Mary Jane®, Clark®, Mighty Malts®, Squirrel Nut Zippers®, Haviland® Thin Mints, and Candy House® Candy Buttons,

I will review most of these products including obviously Squirrel Nut Zippers. But all of that will be in due time, for now enjoy the great tale of the world-famous Necco Wafers. Spoilers: includes Immigrants and Eskimos

" In 1847, a young English immigrant, Oliver Chase, invented the first American candy machine, a lozenge cutter (?). After initial success selling his new candy, he and his brother, Silas Edwin, founded Chase and Co., which became the pioneer member of the New England Confectionery family.

The original recipe for the NECCO Wafer® was made in eight flavors: orange, lemon, lime, clove, chocolate, cinnamon, licorice, and wintergreen (-). The ingredients were simply sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, gums, colorings and flavorings.

In 1913, explorer Donald MacMillan took NECCO Wafers® on his Arctic explorations, using them for nutrition and as rewards for eskimo children (+). In the 1930’s, Admiral Byrd took 2 ½ tons of NECCO Wafers® to the South Pole, practically a pound a week for each of his men during their two-year stay in the Antarctic.

The U.S. Government requisitioned a major portion of the production of NECCO Wafers® during World War II. The candy doesn’t melt and is practically indestructible during transit, making it perfect for shipping overseas to the troops.(+)"

Checklist
Positives- Given to soldiers
Negatives- Tastes powdery and has no discerning tastes between flavors
Q's- What is a lozenge cutter?

+
= ???


Necco Wafers- weird texture, not enough sugar, fucks you over big time if you bite too early

Grade- D+

The plus is a thank you for being a good company to Eskimo Children.