Newcastle Brown Ale

Okay reader, I get it. You want more than JUST candy. You want a glimpse into my soul. As both my therapist and Heroin dealer understand, I can never say no to peer pressure, so here is your glimpse.

After a hard day making sex jokes about 16 year olds, calling my boss a sociopath and reviewing her shitty Necco Wafers, how does a workaholic like me wind down and relax? If it is Thursday afternoon, it is with Newcastle Brown Ale.

Newcastle keeps changing the location of it's brewery since the former manager and current terrorist known as Sir Bobby Robson got his hand on some explosions.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/tyne/7468798.stm

9/11 for Newcastle lovers

Excessive smiling is a side-effect of Asbestos

The Newcastle website is worth a look as well. It is very interactive and very creepy. Before entering it made me put my birth date in which was retarded because although the drinking age is either 18 or 21, you can't get drunk off a website. After this prompt some dude in a t-shirt and a dog came up and asked me where I would like to go. Not making this shit up, go to the website. He told me I could go to Pub or the Record Store but him and his dog would be on the rooftop (WTF?) I mulled over my options as I watched the back of the head of the same blonde woman pass by 30 times or so.

http://newcastlebrown.com/

Anyway as for the beer itself, It's easy to understand why someone with a candy blog would be a fan, Newcastle tastes very chocolate-like. There is no shitty aftertaste like you get with some other brews and it is one of the smoothest beers I've had the pleasure to try.

This is a definitive recommendation of Newcastle Brown Ale from me to you. Hope you enjoyed my soul.

Work and Necco Wafers

My boss is an illiterate sociopath with a bad collection of candy. I know this is the internet but I still don't have the balls to write out her name or my place of employment. My biggest fear is to turn into an underaged big-breasted, sexually appealing British girl wink

"Stop being a pussy and just write out where you work"



Even I'd hit that 16 year old you linked up there Future Diabetic."


Because I am a coward and bored, I will do the next best thing... Start a re-occuring section in which I rate each piece of candy in the Big Boss Woman's collection.


1. Necco Wafers


The first entry in my workplace rant goes to Necco Wafers. Congratulations. My boss probably can relate to Necco because they both were created several centuries ago. Necco is proudly the oldest candy in the fucking world, and was enjoyed by many figures throughout history including our founding fathers, John Wilkes Booth, Anne Frank and Joseph Stalin.

*Re-reading that previous sentence it sounds as if I'm saying John Wilkes Booth, Anne Frank and Joseph Stalin are our founding fathers. If you had the same thought while reading this then you are correct. Eat a dick Franklin.

Before I go into my enlightening thoughts on the Wafer's, I will give some actual history and answers about the company. My main source being: http://www.necco.com/

Question: What the fuck does NECCO stand for?
Answer: New England Confectionery Company

Question: How long has it really been around?
Answer: 18fucking47

Question: What are some of Necco's products?
Answer: NECCO® Wafers, Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts, Mary Jane®, Clark®, Mighty Malts®, Squirrel Nut Zippers®, Haviland® Thin Mints, and Candy House® Candy Buttons,

I will review most of these products including obviously Squirrel Nut Zippers. But all of that will be in due time, for now enjoy the great tale of the world-famous Necco Wafers. Spoilers: includes Immigrants and Eskimos

" In 1847, a young English immigrant, Oliver Chase, invented the first American candy machine, a lozenge cutter (?). After initial success selling his new candy, he and his brother, Silas Edwin, founded Chase and Co., which became the pioneer member of the New England Confectionery family.

The original recipe for the NECCO Wafer® was made in eight flavors: orange, lemon, lime, clove, chocolate, cinnamon, licorice, and wintergreen (-). The ingredients were simply sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, gums, colorings and flavorings.

In 1913, explorer Donald MacMillan took NECCO Wafers® on his Arctic explorations, using them for nutrition and as rewards for eskimo children (+). In the 1930’s, Admiral Byrd took 2 ½ tons of NECCO Wafers® to the South Pole, practically a pound a week for each of his men during their two-year stay in the Antarctic.

The U.S. Government requisitioned a major portion of the production of NECCO Wafers® during World War II. The candy doesn’t melt and is practically indestructible during transit, making it perfect for shipping overseas to the troops.(+)"

Checklist
Positives- Given to soldiers
Negatives- Tastes powdery and has no discerning tastes between flavors
Q's- What is a lozenge cutter?

+
= ???


Necco Wafers- weird texture, not enough sugar, fucks you over big time if you bite too early

Grade- D+

The plus is a thank you for being a good company to Eskimo Children.

Humpty Dumpty + Candy= MINDFUCK

CHUGGGGGGADOOOOOOOOBIE

Who buys hard candy you ask?

Who needs bread anyway? Review of the KFC Double Down

The KFC Double Down. The KFC Double Down. The KFC Double Down.

This sandwich has caused more discussion in the Fast Food industry and more disgust in pussy health-food groups than any sandwich in years. The only comparable item was Wendy's superior Baconator which debuted in April 2007.

The commercial for the Double Down was amusing/ kind of racist
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=TVLEB0lv1rw

And Colonel... "You da man!"

After hearing all the discussion about this sandwich I of course had to get my hands on one. Me and a fellow Fast Food lover my good friend Emmanuel (I don't know if I spelled the name correctly, who gives a shit, if his parents wanted him to be easily known they would have named him David) made a promise to try this as soon as possible.

We saw a really unappetizing advertisement as we walked into the KFC and to my dismay my friend Emmannneul backed out! I give credit to the Double Down in all it's mighty myth that it could turn a fast food lover into a pussy health-food sympathizer just with an ad.

The truth: This thing wasn't even that bad. It was so much smaller than advertised. and beyond the grease, high amounts of sodium it was not even that hard to eat! I thought it was semi-tasty and would try it again. I'd give it a 6 out of 10. I ate this with a side-order of fries, and probably could have gone for another one if I wanted to look like Hurley from Lost.
I'm the only person on a desert island to get fatter. Whoa.


After all the myths and talk, these are the measurements for the Double Down
http://www.kfc.com/nutrition/pdf/kfc_nutrition.pdf

540 calories
32 grams of fat

Wahhhhh. Not even as much as a Big Mac. Just try it for yourself. You know you are curious.

Review of Reese's Peanut Flavored Whopper's

This product was a must-buy for me because I knew it would be an epic battle between my love for Reese's and my hatred for Whoppers. The shittiness of Whoppers overpowered. I liked this product much better when it was called Reese's Puff cereal.

Difficult Questions

Because I am not a woman and don't have to decide between abortion and pregnancy
Not wearing protection is the real life mystery flavored Airhead

The ultimate question for me is between Airheads or Laffy Taffy's. They are similar in consistency and taste. I give the nod to Laffy Taffy but very slightly because they are more chewy.

As far as the original question posed... After watching 16 and pregnant, all I can say is those poor poor babies.

So for those keeping track at home, I endorse Laffy Taffy's and Abortions.

First Post

I went to Health Services at my college the other day because I had another cold. Colleges must be like concentration camps for Germaphobes.

I was bored and waiting on my Strep Throat results when I saw a BMI scale ( http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/) When the nurse came back into the room to give me my results, I looked at her and with a creepy wheezy voice said, "Gauge me" and pointed to the scale.

5'9. 160 pounds. 23.6 BMI. Average.

This might seem like a pretty unremarkable start to a blog. and without any context, I'd agree. but you are dealing with a legitimate Candy addict.

One man's Crack-Cocaine is another man's Fruit Punch Starburst

This blog will be utilized to review and critique different types of candies and fast food throughout this land of mine. I live in America so obviously my intention in writing this is to get free shit. So Hershey's and Mcdonald's if you are reading this, your 5 star reviews will be up soon. ;)