Review of the Sour Patch Family

Like other famous feuding siblings such as Cain and Abel and Serena and Venus Williams. There is bitter hatred between these two opponents, Sour Patch Kids and Sour Patch Watermelon.

The Loser

The Winner

Sour Patch Watermelon's are impossible to put down. I know, I've tried. Sour Patch Kids are also good but you have to deal with shitty orange and yellows to get to the good stuff. I hate when you get a red-ish pink candy and before you bite into it, you think "Dammit, is this going to be strawberry or watermelon?" There is no filler or question at all to Sour Patch Watermelon. You get just what you expect, Watermelon and a lot of it. No annoying strawberry flavors in there fucking up your bag and well-being.

My Resident Expert

Review of Five Guys Burger + Fries

My review of the KFC Double Down= with Emmannuel
My review of Human Centipede= with Sam (a female!)
My review of Five Guys Burger + Fries= with Mikey P

The fact that I've went with someone else each time is odd because I actually prefer to eat alone. You can't make as many moans and sighs when you bite into the burger when you are with another person. I also try to play it cool and not have a creepy fucking grin on when I order the food. When I'm alone, this is all fair game which makes it superior.

Five Guys is becoming a big chain seemingly over-night. The research I conducted told me that there are 200 new restaurants opening up in 2010 which is impressive. Before opening up these new venues, the chain's claim to fame was getting one frat boy called a faggot by another frat boy. An example of this is the classic routine acted out below.



Hell yeah! I just had Five Guys!


Homo.

Before we entered Five Guys, we grossed out an 80 year old woman. It was a hot day so the windows in the cars were open. We stopped at a red light and like two creepy young men were having a conversation about how to last the longest you can while having sex. I turned to my right and saw a terrified old woman.

I'm pretty sure as soon as the light turned green, she went down a side street, took a deep breath and thought to herself...

"Betsy, before you denounce the entire younger generation you have to remember your grandson Henry! You send money to him each month that he deserves and puts to good use, At least HE is a very respectful, god-fearing, studious young man.

Henry.

After we ruined a poor old woman's day, we finally arrived at Five Guys. The best thing about this place, is that you can pick exactly what condiments you want on your burger. They have everything you can think of, which consists of the regular shit (Lettuce, Tomatos, Pickles, Cheese) and other stuff (Jalapeno Peppers, Grilled Onions, Grilled Mushrooms, Hot Sauce, Barbeque Sauce etc). They also are not cheap at all with their fries. If you order a regular fry, they give you a good amount in a cup and then dump more and more into your greasy bag.

I can definitely see why it is becoming a big chain, the food was excellent. The burgers were juicy and the fries tasted more potato like than the ones in most fast food joints. This also could be due to the fact that Five Guys has huge bags of potatoes strewn all over the place to showcase how legit they are. It is slightly more expensive than the established fast food chains but I felt more full afterwards than I do with their food, so it was a wash.

Cliff note's review= Devouring Five Guys was an experience I will never forget. I felt stuffed and satisfied in a way I never felt before with Dave Thomas.

Reese's Pieces and Ass to Mouth

"Advisory: If your date wants to see "The Human Centipede," have a long talk with yourself about who this person really is."- Roger Ebert from Twitter

I am the type of person Ebert is talking about. Me and my lady went to see "Human Centipede" last night at the IFC center in New York. After watching the trailer on youtube (Link at Bottom) I knew it was something I had to see.

Before I go into a review of "Human Centipede" I cannot forget my meal card, Candy.

I decided on Reese's Pieces as my candy of choice for the film. They are delicious and being in large but still ass-rapingly overpriced bags there is a good amount of them to eat. Reese's Pieces are part of the Holy Trinity of movie candy. The other two members of this club are Skittles and Sour Patch Kids. As previously noted, Whoppers are fucking disgusting and the same goes for Juju beans. You will never go wrong selecting Skittles, Reese's Pieces or Sour Patch Kids.

Whether you have a drink or not is the deciding factor on which to choose. If you have one, Reese's Pieces are the way to go. If you don't you are screwed because RP's will make you thirsty as all hell. Sour Patch Kids are the one to pick if you don't have a drink because it has less sodium content. (Admission: All this information is from my own experiences. If you want to be an untrusting dick about it, you can google the nutritional values)

The Human Centipede:

copyright infringement? hmmm

Let me just say I really wanted to love this movie. The premise was original (creating a centipede out of humans) and the main character was a German mad scientist. Badass. The tagline to the movie is "100% Medically Accurate". Dr. Heiter's objective is to have the second human connected to the first human's asshole, the third human connected to the second human's asshole, etc, etc.... and for everyone bitching about the motive and nutritional values of the candies and junk food I review here, I will say objectively all of them have more value than human shit. Sorry Dr. Heiter I know you are german but eating shit is not a balanced diet. Your centipede does not have a long life-span.

I'll be honest, I went in there wanting to be shocked and disgusted, neither one happened. There were a few gross scenes namely when the Asian man, who was the first section of the centipede (lucky bastard) apologized for pooping in the mouth of the girl connected to her and when Dr. Heiter had his O-face on after lapping up blood. but most of the film was a predictable cat and mouse-mouse-mouse chase. There was way too many cliche scenes in which you knew where they would end up.

The actor who played Dr. Heiter did a really good job and was convincing. There were a decent amount of hilarious lines in the film that i'm unsure were done intentionally or not. My favorite was when he caught one of the girls who was trying to escape and looked at her with a fucked up look and said "YOU ARE NOW THE SECOND PIECE"

Worth seeing but wait for it on dvd or find it online. yeah I said it. rob/steal/pillage and eat Reese's Pieces while you do it.

Charts and my Kryptonite (Spoiler it has bacon)

Via Geekology(Thank you to my comrade Philip Charles Landrigan for bringing this to my attention)

This chart finally crowned a winner in the battle going on in my head after eating that gloppy double down. One side said to me "Hey shit for brains, how does it feel to be jipped by hype? you are still hungry." The other side said, "Hey fatso, you are not actually hungry. you just ate the most disgusting sandwich created." Props to the side insulting my intelligence.

So there you go. Indisputable proof that the media is blowing KFC's Double Down wayyyy out of proportion. The Double Down is better for you than practically every fast food sandwich created. It is probably better than most of the salads too but there is no reason to include salads in anything. Anyone who orders salad at the In n Out BURGER does not count as a human being and should be shunned in the public square before their beheading.

But enough gloating and salad bashing, seeing Sonic's Crispy Bacon Ranch sandwich on that list delivered a well-deserved cocksmack to my ego. Sonics is my biggest fast food insecurity and never having it makes me question this blog, my motives and my livelihood. I have ate Burger King and Mcdonald's more times than imaginable but still have not tried Sonic's. I am a fraud. Even the guy below has more integrity than me.

Author of http://How to make her cum 5 times a night, steal all her husband's savings and still come back for more.blogspot.com

and honestly I'm not even sure if Sonics is supposed to be written with or without the apostrophe. Shameful. Perhaps I should be on the guillotine with the soulless saladheads.

P.S. Anyone who wants to make a sonics-virgin feel even more inferior. Please do so in the comment section. Let me know how mediocre or life changing it was.

Non-Related Post #1

Don't you hate when you are at your favorite restaurant and a gay dog struts right in with a limp paw? Me too. Lucky for us if we want to enjoy our Burgers and Fries without hearing a feminine woof and an affectionate tail wag we can always move to Australia.

For Real

"Restaurateurs in Australia who refused to serve a blind man because a waiter thought the man's guide dog was gay have been ordered to pay a $1,500 fine and write the man a written apology.

According to AdelaideNow.com.au, Ian Jolly, 57, was kicked out of the restaurant Thai Spice in a suburb of Adelaide because a server mistakenly thought he heard Jolly's partner, Chris Lawrence, say that she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant.

"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," restaurant owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le said in a statement.

The restaurant displays a "guide dogs welcome" sign, but Jolly and Lawrence were denied entry even after providing staff with a guide dogs fact card.

The Equal Opportunity Tribunal of Australia ordered Friday that the restaurant provide Jolly with a written apology and that its staff attend an equal opportunity education course, in addition to paying him $1500."



Dear owners of "Thai Spice",

This is regarding a blind gay man who's last name is Jolly. I think life has been cruel enough for him, let his gay dog in your restaurant.

Facebook Fan Page

Fellow Future Diabetics,
Join my facebook fan page if you haven't already. I update it with new posts and random high fructose corn syrup inspired thoughts.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Ramblings-of-a-Future-Diabetic/117860484907591?ref=sgm

There probably is a shorter way to link it but I am mentally retarded.

Favorite Candy Flavor Rant

I always feel like a jerk-off because Red is my favorite candy flavor.

Having reds as your favorite flavor is like rooting for the Yankees, enjoying petite girls with big titties or finding Will Ferrell movies funny. All of these things are easy to do and completely rational but there's no unpredictability to them. Rooting for the Montreal Expos, watching BBW porn and finding your corny uncle's jokes funny all take a lot more individuality to appreciate.

When I was an angst-ridden teenager who strived to be different, I'd say greens were my favorite candy flavor. It was all bullshit. I do like greens but they do not compare to reds. There is one exception to this of course, which is Chewy Sprees. The green Chewy Spree's are up there as the greatest single piece of candy ever created. If Sprees were smart, they would create a bag of all-greens. MMMM.

I think for my sake and the sake of the women ringing me up at CVS's around the tri-state area, it's probably for the best that the all-green bags do not actually exist.

"Hello Sir is that all today,"
"Yes do you see how much of an individual I am..."
"Does buying all-green chewy sprees make you more of an individual? hehehe"
"It's not just the sprees... I have an important night tonight. I am going to my uncle's to giggle and watch the Montreal Expos. After they lose again, I am going to masturbate to clips of the movie precious on youtube."
"..... Security."

What is your favorite candy flavor? and be honest! If someone says orange or banana, you are a liar.