Blow Pops vs Tootsie Roll Pops

There are a few established stereotypes you will know just by reading this blog:

Hard Candy= for old people, pedophiles
Necco wafers= for the mentally ill
Red flavored candy= for people who are conventional (and right)

to add a new one to the list,

Lollipops= for rappers

As with everything else, rappers cannot agree on shit! I might write a few paragraphs defending my choice but to dedicate hours in a studio and spend millions in production to rep your lollipop of choice is fucking hardcore.

like most actual rap battles, these two are owned by the same company...


1. Blowpops

Blowpops were invented in the 1970s by a dude by the name of Vincent Ciccone. He was known as Mr. Ciccone by the world and Vinny by his friends in the family. Mr. Ciccone was a made man who did not take shit from anyone, anyone who disrespected any of his blowpops (especially the strawberry ones which suck out loud) would find themselves in a deep sleep at the bottom of the ocean. Because of the controversy regarding the Strawberry Massacre, Ciccone decided to sell his blowpops to the Tootsie Roll Industries in 1988.

I personally prefer Blowpops and my favorite flavor of them all is Green Apple.

Disclaimer: If you are going on a date, to a party or on a job interview. DO NOT EAT A GREEN APPLE BLOWPOP BEFOREHAND! your tongue will look like you just had a sloppy makeout session with the grinch.

"I know I was a tease tonight, but i will fuck you on Christmas. Promise"



As for as the rap angle, the recently incarcerated Lil Wayne is on the blow pop side of things.


Reppin' Blow Pops



2. Tootsie Roll Pops-


Tootsie Roll Pops are the OG of the lollipop business and were created in 1930 by Brandon Perry (screw you for not having a stereotypical last name). The company changed it's name to Tootsie Roll Industries in 1966 and the rest is candy history. Tootsie Roll Industries is the real winner of this battle because as previously stated, they own both blowpops and tootsie roll pops.

I couldn't find any information on the sales of blowpops but twenty million Tootsie Roll Pops are produced every single day so they probably sell better.

And before you ask according to student researchers at Cambridge University it takes 3481 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

so with that great setup I give you Lil Wayne and Blowpop's challenger, Lil Kim.


Reppin' Tootsie Roll Pops






Winners= Blow Pops, Lil Wayne and Mr. Ciccone

Review of the Sour Patch Family

Like other famous feuding siblings such as Cain and Abel and Serena and Venus Williams. There is bitter hatred between these two opponents, Sour Patch Kids and Sour Patch Watermelon.

The Loser

The Winner

Sour Patch Watermelon's are impossible to put down. I know, I've tried. Sour Patch Kids are also good but you have to deal with shitty orange and yellows to get to the good stuff. I hate when you get a red-ish pink candy and before you bite into it, you think "Dammit, is this going to be strawberry or watermelon?" There is no filler or question at all to Sour Patch Watermelon. You get just what you expect, Watermelon and a lot of it. No annoying strawberry flavors in there fucking up your bag and well-being.

My Resident Expert

Review of Five Guys Burger + Fries

My review of the KFC Double Down= with Emmannuel
My review of Human Centipede= with Sam (a female!)
My review of Five Guys Burger + Fries= with Mikey P

The fact that I've went with someone else each time is odd because I actually prefer to eat alone. You can't make as many moans and sighs when you bite into the burger when you are with another person. I also try to play it cool and not have a creepy fucking grin on when I order the food. When I'm alone, this is all fair game which makes it superior.

Five Guys is becoming a big chain seemingly over-night. The research I conducted told me that there are 200 new restaurants opening up in 2010 which is impressive. Before opening up these new venues, the chain's claim to fame was getting one frat boy called a faggot by another frat boy. An example of this is the classic routine acted out below.



Hell yeah! I just had Five Guys!


Homo.

Before we entered Five Guys, we grossed out an 80 year old woman. It was a hot day so the windows in the cars were open. We stopped at a red light and like two creepy young men were having a conversation about how to last the longest you can while having sex. I turned to my right and saw a terrified old woman.

I'm pretty sure as soon as the light turned green, she went down a side street, took a deep breath and thought to herself...

"Betsy, before you denounce the entire younger generation you have to remember your grandson Henry! You send money to him each month that he deserves and puts to good use, At least HE is a very respectful, god-fearing, studious young man.

Henry.

After we ruined a poor old woman's day, we finally arrived at Five Guys. The best thing about this place, is that you can pick exactly what condiments you want on your burger. They have everything you can think of, which consists of the regular shit (Lettuce, Tomatos, Pickles, Cheese) and other stuff (Jalapeno Peppers, Grilled Onions, Grilled Mushrooms, Hot Sauce, Barbeque Sauce etc). They also are not cheap at all with their fries. If you order a regular fry, they give you a good amount in a cup and then dump more and more into your greasy bag.

I can definitely see why it is becoming a big chain, the food was excellent. The burgers were juicy and the fries tasted more potato like than the ones in most fast food joints. This also could be due to the fact that Five Guys has huge bags of potatoes strewn all over the place to showcase how legit they are. It is slightly more expensive than the established fast food chains but I felt more full afterwards than I do with their food, so it was a wash.

Cliff note's review= Devouring Five Guys was an experience I will never forget. I felt stuffed and satisfied in a way I never felt before with Dave Thomas.

Reese's Pieces and Ass to Mouth

"Advisory: If your date wants to see "The Human Centipede," have a long talk with yourself about who this person really is."- Roger Ebert from Twitter

I am the type of person Ebert is talking about. Me and my lady went to see "Human Centipede" last night at the IFC center in New York. After watching the trailer on youtube (Link at Bottom) I knew it was something I had to see.

Before I go into a review of "Human Centipede" I cannot forget my meal card, Candy.

I decided on Reese's Pieces as my candy of choice for the film. They are delicious and being in large but still ass-rapingly overpriced bags there is a good amount of them to eat. Reese's Pieces are part of the Holy Trinity of movie candy. The other two members of this club are Skittles and Sour Patch Kids. As previously noted, Whoppers are fucking disgusting and the same goes for Juju beans. You will never go wrong selecting Skittles, Reese's Pieces or Sour Patch Kids.

Whether you have a drink or not is the deciding factor on which to choose. If you have one, Reese's Pieces are the way to go. If you don't you are screwed because RP's will make you thirsty as all hell. Sour Patch Kids are the one to pick if you don't have a drink because it has less sodium content. (Admission: All this information is from my own experiences. If you want to be an untrusting dick about it, you can google the nutritional values)

The Human Centipede:

copyright infringement? hmmm

Let me just say I really wanted to love this movie. The premise was original (creating a centipede out of humans) and the main character was a German mad scientist. Badass. The tagline to the movie is "100% Medically Accurate". Dr. Heiter's objective is to have the second human connected to the first human's asshole, the third human connected to the second human's asshole, etc, etc.... and for everyone bitching about the motive and nutritional values of the candies and junk food I review here, I will say objectively all of them have more value than human shit. Sorry Dr. Heiter I know you are german but eating shit is not a balanced diet. Your centipede does not have a long life-span.

I'll be honest, I went in there wanting to be shocked and disgusted, neither one happened. There were a few gross scenes namely when the Asian man, who was the first section of the centipede (lucky bastard) apologized for pooping in the mouth of the girl connected to her and when Dr. Heiter had his O-face on after lapping up blood. but most of the film was a predictable cat and mouse-mouse-mouse chase. There was way too many cliche scenes in which you knew where they would end up.

The actor who played Dr. Heiter did a really good job and was convincing. There were a decent amount of hilarious lines in the film that i'm unsure were done intentionally or not. My favorite was when he caught one of the girls who was trying to escape and looked at her with a fucked up look and said "YOU ARE NOW THE SECOND PIECE"

Worth seeing but wait for it on dvd or find it online. yeah I said it. rob/steal/pillage and eat Reese's Pieces while you do it.

Charts and my Kryptonite (Spoiler it has bacon)

Via Geekology(Thank you to my comrade Philip Charles Landrigan for bringing this to my attention)

This chart finally crowned a winner in the battle going on in my head after eating that gloppy double down. One side said to me "Hey shit for brains, how does it feel to be jipped by hype? you are still hungry." The other side said, "Hey fatso, you are not actually hungry. you just ate the most disgusting sandwich created." Props to the side insulting my intelligence.

So there you go. Indisputable proof that the media is blowing KFC's Double Down wayyyy out of proportion. The Double Down is better for you than practically every fast food sandwich created. It is probably better than most of the salads too but there is no reason to include salads in anything. Anyone who orders salad at the In n Out BURGER does not count as a human being and should be shunned in the public square before their beheading.

But enough gloating and salad bashing, seeing Sonic's Crispy Bacon Ranch sandwich on that list delivered a well-deserved cocksmack to my ego. Sonics is my biggest fast food insecurity and never having it makes me question this blog, my motives and my livelihood. I have ate Burger King and Mcdonald's more times than imaginable but still have not tried Sonic's. I am a fraud. Even the guy below has more integrity than me.

Author of http://How to make her cum 5 times a night, steal all her husband's savings and still come back for more.blogspot.com

and honestly I'm not even sure if Sonics is supposed to be written with or without the apostrophe. Shameful. Perhaps I should be on the guillotine with the soulless saladheads.

P.S. Anyone who wants to make a sonics-virgin feel even more inferior. Please do so in the comment section. Let me know how mediocre or life changing it was.

Non-Related Post #1

Don't you hate when you are at your favorite restaurant and a gay dog struts right in with a limp paw? Me too. Lucky for us if we want to enjoy our Burgers and Fries without hearing a feminine woof and an affectionate tail wag we can always move to Australia.

For Real

"Restaurateurs in Australia who refused to serve a blind man because a waiter thought the man's guide dog was gay have been ordered to pay a $1,500 fine and write the man a written apology.

According to AdelaideNow.com.au, Ian Jolly, 57, was kicked out of the restaurant Thai Spice in a suburb of Adelaide because a server mistakenly thought he heard Jolly's partner, Chris Lawrence, say that she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant.

"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," restaurant owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le said in a statement.

The restaurant displays a "guide dogs welcome" sign, but Jolly and Lawrence were denied entry even after providing staff with a guide dogs fact card.

The Equal Opportunity Tribunal of Australia ordered Friday that the restaurant provide Jolly with a written apology and that its staff attend an equal opportunity education course, in addition to paying him $1500."



Dear owners of "Thai Spice",

This is regarding a blind gay man who's last name is Jolly. I think life has been cruel enough for him, let his gay dog in your restaurant.

Facebook Fan Page

Fellow Future Diabetics,
Join my facebook fan page if you haven't already. I update it with new posts and random high fructose corn syrup inspired thoughts.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Ramblings-of-a-Future-Diabetic/117860484907591?ref=sgm

There probably is a shorter way to link it but I am mentally retarded.

Favorite Candy Flavor Rant

I always feel like a jerk-off because Red is my favorite candy flavor.

Having reds as your favorite flavor is like rooting for the Yankees, enjoying petite girls with big titties or finding Will Ferrell movies funny. All of these things are easy to do and completely rational but there's no unpredictability to them. Rooting for the Montreal Expos, watching BBW porn and finding your corny uncle's jokes funny all take a lot more individuality to appreciate.

When I was an angst-ridden teenager who strived to be different, I'd say greens were my favorite candy flavor. It was all bullshit. I do like greens but they do not compare to reds. There is one exception to this of course, which is Chewy Sprees. The green Chewy Spree's are up there as the greatest single piece of candy ever created. If Sprees were smart, they would create a bag of all-greens. MMMM.

I think for my sake and the sake of the women ringing me up at CVS's around the tri-state area, it's probably for the best that the all-green bags do not actually exist.

"Hello Sir is that all today,"
"Yes do you see how much of an individual I am..."
"Does buying all-green chewy sprees make you more of an individual? hehehe"
"It's not just the sprees... I have an important night tonight. I am going to my uncle's to giggle and watch the Montreal Expos. After they lose again, I am going to masturbate to clips of the movie precious on youtube."
"..... Security."

What is your favorite candy flavor? and be honest! If someone says orange or banana, you are a liar.

Newcastle Brown Ale

Okay reader, I get it. You want more than JUST candy. You want a glimpse into my soul. As both my therapist and Heroin dealer understand, I can never say no to peer pressure, so here is your glimpse.

After a hard day making sex jokes about 16 year olds, calling my boss a sociopath and reviewing her shitty Necco Wafers, how does a workaholic like me wind down and relax? If it is Thursday afternoon, it is with Newcastle Brown Ale.

Newcastle keeps changing the location of it's brewery since the former manager and current terrorist known as Sir Bobby Robson got his hand on some explosions.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/tyne/7468798.stm

9/11 for Newcastle lovers

Excessive smiling is a side-effect of Asbestos

The Newcastle website is worth a look as well. It is very interactive and very creepy. Before entering it made me put my birth date in which was retarded because although the drinking age is either 18 or 21, you can't get drunk off a website. After this prompt some dude in a t-shirt and a dog came up and asked me where I would like to go. Not making this shit up, go to the website. He told me I could go to Pub or the Record Store but him and his dog would be on the rooftop (WTF?) I mulled over my options as I watched the back of the head of the same blonde woman pass by 30 times or so.

http://newcastlebrown.com/

Anyway as for the beer itself, It's easy to understand why someone with a candy blog would be a fan, Newcastle tastes very chocolate-like. There is no shitty aftertaste like you get with some other brews and it is one of the smoothest beers I've had the pleasure to try.

This is a definitive recommendation of Newcastle Brown Ale from me to you. Hope you enjoyed my soul.

Work and Necco Wafers

My boss is an illiterate sociopath with a bad collection of candy. I know this is the internet but I still don't have the balls to write out her name or my place of employment. My biggest fear is to turn into an underaged big-breasted, sexually appealing British girl wink

"Stop being a pussy and just write out where you work"



Even I'd hit that 16 year old you linked up there Future Diabetic."


Because I am a coward and bored, I will do the next best thing... Start a re-occuring section in which I rate each piece of candy in the Big Boss Woman's collection.


1. Necco Wafers


The first entry in my workplace rant goes to Necco Wafers. Congratulations. My boss probably can relate to Necco because they both were created several centuries ago. Necco is proudly the oldest candy in the fucking world, and was enjoyed by many figures throughout history including our founding fathers, John Wilkes Booth, Anne Frank and Joseph Stalin.

*Re-reading that previous sentence it sounds as if I'm saying John Wilkes Booth, Anne Frank and Joseph Stalin are our founding fathers. If you had the same thought while reading this then you are correct. Eat a dick Franklin.

Before I go into my enlightening thoughts on the Wafer's, I will give some actual history and answers about the company. My main source being: http://www.necco.com/

Question: What the fuck does NECCO stand for?
Answer: New England Confectionery Company

Question: How long has it really been around?
Answer: 18fucking47

Question: What are some of Necco's products?
Answer: NECCO® Wafers, Sweethearts® Conversation Hearts, Mary Jane®, Clark®, Mighty Malts®, Squirrel Nut Zippers®, Haviland® Thin Mints, and Candy House® Candy Buttons,

I will review most of these products including obviously Squirrel Nut Zippers. But all of that will be in due time, for now enjoy the great tale of the world-famous Necco Wafers. Spoilers: includes Immigrants and Eskimos

" In 1847, a young English immigrant, Oliver Chase, invented the first American candy machine, a lozenge cutter (?). After initial success selling his new candy, he and his brother, Silas Edwin, founded Chase and Co., which became the pioneer member of the New England Confectionery family.

The original recipe for the NECCO Wafer® was made in eight flavors: orange, lemon, lime, clove, chocolate, cinnamon, licorice, and wintergreen (-). The ingredients were simply sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, gums, colorings and flavorings.

In 1913, explorer Donald MacMillan took NECCO Wafers® on his Arctic explorations, using them for nutrition and as rewards for eskimo children (+). In the 1930’s, Admiral Byrd took 2 ½ tons of NECCO Wafers® to the South Pole, practically a pound a week for each of his men during their two-year stay in the Antarctic.

The U.S. Government requisitioned a major portion of the production of NECCO Wafers® during World War II. The candy doesn’t melt and is practically indestructible during transit, making it perfect for shipping overseas to the troops.(+)"

Checklist
Positives- Given to soldiers
Negatives- Tastes powdery and has no discerning tastes between flavors
Q's- What is a lozenge cutter?

+
= ???


Necco Wafers- weird texture, not enough sugar, fucks you over big time if you bite too early

Grade- D+

The plus is a thank you for being a good company to Eskimo Children.

Humpty Dumpty + Candy= MINDFUCK

CHUGGGGGGADOOOOOOOOBIE

Who buys hard candy you ask?

Who needs bread anyway? Review of the KFC Double Down

The KFC Double Down. The KFC Double Down. The KFC Double Down.

This sandwich has caused more discussion in the Fast Food industry and more disgust in pussy health-food groups than any sandwich in years. The only comparable item was Wendy's superior Baconator which debuted in April 2007.

The commercial for the Double Down was amusing/ kind of racist
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=TVLEB0lv1rw

And Colonel... "You da man!"

After hearing all the discussion about this sandwich I of course had to get my hands on one. Me and a fellow Fast Food lover my good friend Emmanuel (I don't know if I spelled the name correctly, who gives a shit, if his parents wanted him to be easily known they would have named him David) made a promise to try this as soon as possible.

We saw a really unappetizing advertisement as we walked into the KFC and to my dismay my friend Emmannneul backed out! I give credit to the Double Down in all it's mighty myth that it could turn a fast food lover into a pussy health-food sympathizer just with an ad.

The truth: This thing wasn't even that bad. It was so much smaller than advertised. and beyond the grease, high amounts of sodium it was not even that hard to eat! I thought it was semi-tasty and would try it again. I'd give it a 6 out of 10. I ate this with a side-order of fries, and probably could have gone for another one if I wanted to look like Hurley from Lost.
I'm the only person on a desert island to get fatter. Whoa.


After all the myths and talk, these are the measurements for the Double Down
http://www.kfc.com/nutrition/pdf/kfc_nutrition.pdf

540 calories
32 grams of fat

Wahhhhh. Not even as much as a Big Mac. Just try it for yourself. You know you are curious.

Review of Reese's Peanut Flavored Whopper's

This product was a must-buy for me because I knew it would be an epic battle between my love for Reese's and my hatred for Whoppers. The shittiness of Whoppers overpowered. I liked this product much better when it was called Reese's Puff cereal.

Difficult Questions

Because I am not a woman and don't have to decide between abortion and pregnancy
Not wearing protection is the real life mystery flavored Airhead

The ultimate question for me is between Airheads or Laffy Taffy's. They are similar in consistency and taste. I give the nod to Laffy Taffy but very slightly because they are more chewy.

As far as the original question posed... After watching 16 and pregnant, all I can say is those poor poor babies.

So for those keeping track at home, I endorse Laffy Taffy's and Abortions.

First Post

I went to Health Services at my college the other day because I had another cold. Colleges must be like concentration camps for Germaphobes.

I was bored and waiting on my Strep Throat results when I saw a BMI scale ( http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/) When the nurse came back into the room to give me my results, I looked at her and with a creepy wheezy voice said, "Gauge me" and pointed to the scale.

5'9. 160 pounds. 23.6 BMI. Average.

This might seem like a pretty unremarkable start to a blog. and without any context, I'd agree. but you are dealing with a legitimate Candy addict.

One man's Crack-Cocaine is another man's Fruit Punch Starburst

This blog will be utilized to review and critique different types of candies and fast food throughout this land of mine. I live in America so obviously my intention in writing this is to get free shit. So Hershey's and Mcdonald's if you are reading this, your 5 star reviews will be up soon. ;)